This story is a follow up to a short story I wrote called “Past Secrets”.  Although it is not necessary to read that story first it does provide some back ground to this story.  This story will contain references to child abuse.  The first two chapters are pretty tame and hopefully a few smiles and chuckles.  Chapter three and on gets into child abuse.  The poem at the end of the first chapter, I wrote when I was in High School.  It is a little dark.  Thankfully my out look on life has changed a lot since then, as will be reflected by the end of this story.  I hope you will all enjoy and as mentioned by other authors and my first story:  The characters in this story do not belong to me; I am only borrowing them for the enjoyment of writing this story.

 

Chapter 1

 

 

Johnny sat in the passenger seat watching the streets and the signs and the other traffic; always the consummate navigator.  Roy sat in the driver’s seat.  Except this wasn’t the squad.  This wasn’t even Roy’s convertible.  This was his Land Rover.  HIS Land Rover!  It wasn’t so much that he minded Roy driving.  Heck, truth be told he even admired Roy’s driving.  The guy must have been born with a steering wheel in his hands.  It still didn’t mean that he had to like the fact that Roy was driving his Land Rover.  But Johnny couldn’t very well drive it himself, not with his right shoulder recovering from a dislocation.  He looked down.  His right arm was in a sling and the whole arm was strapped to his body to immobilize it.  Johnny sighed and leaned back in his seat, his mind going over the events that led up to his current situation.

 

Yesterday morning he started his shift, sneaking into the locker room because he was running late.  He hadn’t been expecting a letter to be waiting for him on his locker and he definitely wasn’t expecting the news it contained.  The letter had been from Carol Kemp, the wife of his track coach, Jack.  She had said that Jack was near death and she wanted to know if Johnny could come back to Montana to visit before he passed away.  But the letter arrived too late and Johnny had not had a chance to say good bye to a person that was more like a father to him than anyone else.  Johnny had started making plans in his head to take a couple weeks off and visit Carol.  Then a run in the middle of the night changed all that.  While he was attending to a young girl who was injured, her abusive father charged in and as a result Johnny ended up with a dislocated shoulder, seven stitches to his cheek, and a couple of cracked ribs.  When he was in the ER, with a good dose of pain meds in him, he mentioned to Roy that he had wanted to go to Montana but wouldn’t be able to because of his arm.  Roy readily offered to take him.  Roy’s mother in law was going to be visiting, and Joanne, knowing her mother’s dislike for Roy, agreed that Roy should help Johnny.

 

So here they were, driving towards Johnny’s apartment.  Roy had gotten two weeks leave approved and had helped Johnny convince Brackett that with him along Johnny would be okay to travel.  Since Roy hadn’t gotten much sleep, it was decided that it would be best if they left tomorrow morning.  As they drove, Roy kept one eye on his partner.  He knew physically, Johnny was going to be okay.  He just hoped mentally he was going to be okay.  The letter had really shaken him and it seemed to be bringing up some old ghosts from Johnny’s past. 

 

They pulled up into the parking lot to Johnny’s apartment.  As many times as Roy had Johnny over to his house, he could not think of one time he had ever been over to Johnny’s.  He had a picture in his head of a real Bachelors’ pad.  Dirty dishes in the sink, laundry lying all over the place, news papers and magazines spread all over the couches and coffee table. So when Johnny put the key into his lock and opened the door Roy was a little surprised to see a very neat and well kept place.  He also noticed how sparse it was with only one coach, a coffee table and a small 13 inch TV.

 

“I’m going to go freshen up,” Johnny said as he tossed his keys into a little dish on the kitchen counter.  “Make yourself at home.  I think I have some sodas in the fridge.”

 

Johnny disappeared into the bedroom and Roy walked into the small kitchen.  Opening the fridge he shook his head at the meager offerings:  three cans of soda, milk, a loaf of bread, butter, ½ dozen eggs, a couple slices of cheese, and a couple apples.  Roy’s stomach reminded him that it was past lunch time.  He doubted Johnny had availed himself of the lunch at the hospital so he looked through the rest of the cabinets and found a skillet.  Throwing a little bit of butter in the bottom, he quickly fried up two eggs.  He toasted slices of bread and placed the eggs and a slice of cheese between them.  He put one sandwich and an apple on each plate, grabbed two sodas, and set them all on the breakfast bar.  At that moment, Johnny came out of the bedroom.  He had changed into a comfortable pair of shorts, opting not to bother with a shirt.  It had been enough trouble putting one on this morning with the help of the nurse at Rampart.  He was towel drying his still damp hair.  He stopped and looked at the breakfast bar.

 

“I was getting a little hungry and knowing you, figured you would be too.  Hope you don’t mind.”  Roy said as he gestured to the food.

 

“No man, thanks, I was actually pretty hungry.”  Johnny replied as he sat down and started to eat.

 

Roy smiled, shook his head and sat down.  Johnny looked up at Roy’s expression and with a slight ‘hurt’ look, and a mouthful of food said “What?  A growing boy’s got to eat.”

 

“I didn’t say anything.”  Roy said as he put his hands up in mock surrender.  He sat down and started to eat; watching as Johnny dug back into his food, wondered for the first time whether Johnny was always eating now because he didn’t get a lot of food growing up.  They ate in quiet companionship.  As he was finishing up Roy casually asked, “Are you going to need any help getting packed?

 

“Nah, it’s cool.”  Johnny said around bites of his apple.  “I’ll just throw some thing in a bag.”

 

“Okay, if you’re sure.  I’ll just clean up these dishes and then head home.”  Roy said as he picked up his plate and headed for the sink.  Johnny stood to follow him in with his own plate, wincing ever so slightly as the pain in his shoulder made itself known.  Roy noted the brief flash of pain that crossed Johnny’s face and looked down at his watch.  “When was the last time you had something for that pain?  Brackett sent home some meds if you need them.  They’re over on your coffee table.”

 

“It’s nothing, just a slight twinge.” Johnny said trying to sound nonchalant as he placed the dish in the sink.  “I’ll wash, you dry.”

 

Roy stood there watching in amazement as Johnny, using only his left hand, deftly filled the sink with soap and water, grabbed a dish rag, washed a dish, rinsed it and handed it to Roy.  “Wow,” Roy said as he took the plate and started drying, “You washed that plate like you’ve had a lot of practice doing that.”

 

“Don’t tell Cap or any of the other guys.  I don’t want to become the official A-shift dish washer.  I washed enough dishes growing up.”  Johnny replied pointing the dripping wash cloth at Roy.

 

“Hey watch it, your getting water all over the place.”  Roy said as he bent to wipe the water off the floor.  “Besides I was talking about how well you did it one handed.”

 

“Oh, that.”  Johnny said quietly, looking back down at the dishes in the sink.  “You know how kids are, always messing around and getting hurt.  I guess I had my share of accidents and as a result had a little practice doing things one handed.”

 

Truth be told he had more than a ‘little practice as a kid doing things one handed, thanks to his step father and his form of ‘discipline’.

 

Johnny quickly finished washing the dishes and as Roy dried, he made casual conversation.  Roy talked about what Joanne and the kids were going to do while her mother was in town.  He talked about how he was looking forward to the trip up north to Montana and how he was glad that Johnny agreed to let him drive him up there.  Roy couldn’t help but notice that it was very much a one sided conversation and that Johnny’s mind seemed to be elsewhere.   Roy folded the dish towel on the counter and with a slight sigh told Johnny that it was getting late and that he was going to go home to pack.  As he walked out the door he made certain that Johnny had heard him say that he would be back at 5:30am so they could get an early start and avoid the rush hour traffic.  Johnny had just nodded his head and mumbled ‘Yeah, 5:30,’ then closed the door.

 

As soon as he closed the door, Johnny stumbled into the bedroom as if in a trance and sat on the edge of the bed.  His heart was racing and his hands shook. Oh God, the trip to Montana.  What was he going to do?  If Roy went with him he would find out everything, and if he found out everything, then he would never want to have anything to do with him again.  Johnny’s thoughts ran around and around in his head and in the back of his mind a voice whispered.  It whispered things that Johnny had fought hard to ignore for the past 5 years, things that on a certain level he knew were not right; things that he grew up believing were true.  Johnny’s step father’s voice quietly whispered to him that if he told anyone he was ‘disciplined’, they would know that he was a good for nothing half breed.  And no one would ever want anything to do with a worthless piece of trash.

 

Would Roy think that he was no good and worthless?  Would Roy find reasons to avoid Johnny if he found out about his family secret, like so many of the kids did when he was growing up?  He couldn’t lose Roy.  Roy was more than his partner, he was a friend.  The first real friend Johnny ever had.  He never mentioned it to Roy, but over the past two years they’ve been partnered together, Johnny had come to think of Roy as the older brother he had always wished he had growing up.  He couldn’t lose that.

 

Johnny lay back on to his bed, his left arm coming up to cover his eyes as if to try and block some unbidden memory.  But the memories wouldn’t stop and Johnny’s mind wandered to this morning as he was waiting at the hospital to be discharged.  Dixie had stopped by at the end of her shift.  She put on an official tone and told Johnny to come back in when he got back from Montana to get the stitches in his cheek removed and a reevaluation of his shoulder and ribs.  She had also cautioned him that soft tissue injuries took longer to heal and that he might be off for several weeks.  Johnny had made an off- handed remark that he was all too familiar with soft tissue injuries and their healing time.  Dixie shook her head and smiled sadly.  She put her hand on Johnny’s good shoulder and simply said that if he ever needed to talk, that there were a lot of people who truly cared about him and would truly listen with out judging.

 

Dare he hope?  Would Roy listen and not judge him?  Roy had always listened to him before no matter how big or how trivial the problem seemed.  He also trusted Roy with his life.  There was no doubt about that.  They had been in some tight spots over the past couple years and Roy was always there for him.  The question however, wasn’t whether he trusted Roy with his life; it was whether he trusted Roy with his past.  And this time, as he slowly slipped into slumber, the voice in his heart won out over his step father’s voice in his head.  Yes, he could trust Roy.

 

A lone Hawk gently glided down from the mountains to the north.  It had traveled a long distance to reach this place.  There was one here that needed its protection.  Silently it landed on a lamp post in the parking lot just outside the window to the bedroom of a small apartment.  The Hawk looked through the window to the solitary figure lying on the bed.  An arm draped across the eyes.  The figure was restless, fighting with some internal demon.  The Hawk let out one long skree, silencing the voice in the restless figure’s head, allowing the figure to hear the voice in its heart.  The figure quieted and fell into a peaceful slumber.  The Hawk nodded its head once.  Yes, listen to your heart and all will be well.  Perhaps, just perhaps, the Singer’s Song could be changed for John Roderick Gage.

 

When the Singer sang your song of birth,

I cried for Joy, for now behold your life.

 

When the Singer sang your song of childhood,

I cried of Rage, for all you had felt was the pain of life.

 

When the Singer sang our song of adulthood,

I cried of Sorrow, for all you had seen was the horror of life.

 

And when the Singer sang your song of death,

I cried for Joy, for now that life will cheat you no more.

 

 

 

Song of Life

 

Chapter 2

 

 

The alarm went off earlier than normal and as Joanne DeSoto reached over to hit the snooze button she had malicious thoughts of slinging the offending item across the room.  She turned and snuggled into Roy’s shoulder; God, how she was going to miss him.  Sure, she was use to him being gone one or two nights at a time; not 2 weeks at a time.  But she would never ask him not to go.  She was proud of him.  She was proud of his desire to help others.  It was something that was integral to him.  She would never want to change that.  When he had called from the hospital and told her that Johnny was hurt and would need his help she did not hesitate in her response.  ‘He’s almost like family Roy, I would expect no less.’

 

Joanne snuggled closer to Roy, and even though it was the middle of summer in southern California, she relished in his warmth.  Her mind drifted back to yesterday morning when Roy came home at the end of his shift.  She had noticed that he spent a little more time with Chris and Jenny, giving them extra hugs and kisses.  When the kids went out back to play, Joanne joined Roy on the couch and as she always did when he had a particularly hard day, she listened.  Roy held onto her hand and told her of all that had transpired since he started his shift the previous morning.  Roy told her of his suspicions about Johnny’s past, and when he told her of Johnny’s desire to go to Montana, before he could tell her he had offered to drive, she had suggested that he go with Johnny.

 

The alarm sounded again and this time Joanne knew that she had to get Roy up.  It always amazed her that he could go from sleeping to driving the squad in a matter of two to three minutes when the tones sounded, yet it took him over an hour to wake up at home when the alarm went off unless she expedited things.  She leaned closer to him and kissed him on the neck just behind his ear.  “Time to get up honey, you need to be on the road in an hour if you are going to make it to Johnny’s in time.”  In response he reached across and pulled her into a snuggling hug, burying his face in her soft hair.  Joanne sighed and reached up to caress his cheek.  “Come on Roy; don’t make this harder than it already is.  Believe me, I would love nothing more than to stay here and snuggle, but Johnny will be waiting.”

 

Roy groaned and rolled onto his side.  Slowly he pushed himself into a sitting position, dropping his legs over the edge of the bed.  “Man, what I wouldn’t give for another 6 hours of sleep.”  Roy said between yawns.  “I’m going to grab a quick shower.  Help me remember to call Johnny when I am done showering and shaving to make sure he’s up and moving.”

 

Joanne stood up, pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, and met Roy at the foot of the bed as he headed toward the bathroom.  “I’ll go down and make some coffee.”  She said as she reached up and gave him a quick kiss.

 

Roy watched her quietly walk out the room and close the door behind her.  He smiled and wondered, not for the first time, how he had gotten so lucky.  Turning, he walked into the bathroom and got ready to take a shower.  Stepping into the shower, his mind wandered to the upcoming trip.  Dixie had called yesterday morning at the end of their shifts and filled him in on what had transpired when she went up to visit Johnny in his room.  From what she could tell, Johnny had two half sisters, Amy and Anna.  Strongbow was their father, Johnny’s step father.  So, Roy thought to himself, that had answered one of a hundred questions.  What about Johnny’s mom?  Where was she?  What about his biological dad, where was he?  Was Strongbow still in the picture?  These were definitely some questions Roy hoped to get answered before they reached Montana.

 

Roy finished getting ready and the smell of fresh brewed coffee lured him down stairs to the kitchen where Joanne was finishing making breakfast.  He walked up behind her and brushing her hair to the side gently kissed the back of her neck.  MMM how he loved the smell of her shampoo.  It smelled like she was lying in a field of wild flowers.  She leaned back into him for a moment.  “Mornin’, breakfast will be on the table in a moment.  Go call Johnny.”

 

Roy walked over to the phone on the wall and placed the call.  After several rings, a sleepy sounding Johnny answered, “Yeah, ‘m awake.”  Roy smiled, “You sure don’t sound too awake Junior, thought you could use a wake up call.”  Roy heard a yawn on the other end and then a voice that sounded a little more awake, “Thanks Pally, how much time do I have?”  Roy looked at his watch, “About an hour, will that be enough time?”  Johnny yawned one more time, “Yeah, no problem.  See ya then.”  “See ya then.”  Roy replied and hung up the phone.

 

“So was he awake?” Joanne said as she placed a plate of egg and sausage burritos on the table with a cup of coffee.  She’d have to thank Marco’s mom next time she saw her for the quick breakfast tip.

 

“He’s awake now.  He sounded really out of it.  Hope his shoulder didn’t bother him too much.”  Roy said as he dug into his breakfast. 

 

“How far do you hope to get today?”  Joanne asked as she sipped on her coffee. 

 

“I hope to get to Salt Lake City.  It should take us about 10 hours.”  Roy said between sips of his own coffee.  “We should make it to Carol’s place in Ft Compass tomorrow evening.”

 

“Give me a call when you stop in Salt Lake and when you get to Montana?”  Joanne asked, reaching over to give Roy’s hand a squeeze.

 

“Sure Jo, first thing I do.  Promise.”  Roy reassured her.  “Well, I better go finish getting ready.”

 

“I’ll put the rest of the coffee in thermoses for the road.  I’ll also pack you two a couple lunches so you won’t have to stop and buy something.”  Joanne said as she got up and headed toward the kitchen sink.  Turning back toward Roy she added, “Don’t forget to pop in and say good bye to the kids.”

 

Roy stood up and placed his cup and plate in the sink, “Thanks Jo, for everything.  And don’t worry I could never forget to say good bye to Chris and Jenny.”  Roy turned and headed back up stairs.  When he was finished getting ready he quietly crept into Chris’ room and sat on the edge of the bed.  Looking down at his 7 year old son, he shook his head and sighed.  He was getting so tall.  It was amazing how time flies.  It seemed like just yesterday he was coming home from Vietnam and being greeted at the airport by Joanne holding a 3 month old Chris.  Jo’s mother never forgave him for getting Joanne pregnant the night before he shipped out and then being gone for the entire pregnancy and the first three months of Chris’ life.  He ran a hand over Chris’ wavy sandy blond hair and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. 

 

Chris rolled over onto his back and blinking looked up, “Dad?”

 

“Hey son, take care of your mom and Jenny while I’m gone.  You’re the man of the house.”  Roy said smiling down at Chris and tussling his hair.

“Sure Dad, I’ll help mom out and keep an eye on Jenny.”  Chris replied sleepily.  He took his job as Jenny’s protector very seriously.

 

“Alright, now get some more sleep.  I’m sure your mom will have a list of things for you to do before Nana gets here tonight.”  He kissed Chris one more time, left the room quietly, and went over to Jenny’s room.  Jenny lay curled up on her bed with the sheets pulled up tight under her chin; a sharp contrast to Chris who had kicked all his covers to the end of the bed.  Roy knelt down next to the bed and brushing aside a mop of long unruly brown hair gently kissed her cheek.  Quietly he whispered, “Be good for mommy and Chris.  Give Nana lots of love.  I’ll be back in a couple weeks.” 

 

As Roy turned to go, he heard a small sleepy voice.  “Love you daddy.  Take care of Uncle Johnny.”  Roy smiled, “Will do angel.”

 

Roy walked back down stairs where Joanne was gathering his stuff by the front door.  “Hey Jo, when did Jenny start calling Johnny ‘Uncle’?”

 

“Hmm?  I don’t really know.  She doesn’t say it all the time.  I think it’s just one of those things that slip out when she’s not thinking.  Is it a problem?”  Joanne asked.

 

Roy thought for a second, “No, it’s okay.  I kind of like it.  I mean Johnny’s over here enough, it’s kind of like he is an uncle.  Besides I think he’ll get a kick out of it.”

 

“Well speaking of Johnny, you’d better get going.  I packed you some food and drinks in the cooler.  Coffee is in the thermos and I know how much Johnny likes donuts so I picked some up at the store yesterday.”  Joanne said as she pointed to stuff on the pile next to the door.

 

Roy stopped her by cupping his hand under her chin and bringing her head up to look in her eyes, “I love you.  I don’t know how I got so lucky.”  He leaned forward and gave her a kiss that would last until he got home.

 

When they parted, Joanne looked up with a sly smile on her face, “Why Roy De Desoto, I had you in my sights since I moved here in 5^th grade.  Luck had nothing to do with it.  Now get going before we have to call Johnny and tell him that you’ll be delayed.”  She said as pulled him into a tight hug and playfully squeezed his back side.

 

Roy paused and playfully looked like he was considering the options, then he quickly leaned forward, kissed Joanne and grabbed some of his stuff to take out to the Rover which he had kept at his house.  Joanne grabbed the rest of the stuff and followed him out to the car.  They loaded everything in and Roy climbed into the driver’s seat.  Joanne put her hand on Roy’s arm as he started to shut the door, “Promise me you’ll be careful.”

 

Roy smiled and put his hand on her cheek, “You know me Jo, I’m always careful.”

 

“Yeah, but I also know Johnny, so I’ll repeat, be careful.”  She shut the door and leaned in and kissed him one last time.  Standing in the driveway she waved as he pulled out of the drive and headed down the street. When the car was out of sight she turned and went back inside.

 

When Roy arrived at Johnny’s place he was sitting outside on the steps.  His camping back pack was sitting next to him.  Roy knew that it would hold the basic essentials, a couple pants and shirts, a couple changes of underwear and socks, and a toiletry kit.  Roy had been camping with Johnny before and admired his ability to pack lightly.  Roy noted that Johnny had opted to wear easy on clothes with pull on shorts, a button up shirt that he had left unbuttoned and a pair of ‘Earth’ sandals.

 

Johnny stood up, grabbed his pack, slung it over his good shoulder and walked over to the Rover.  He was in a good mood.  He slept the whole night with out any nightmares and he was on his way to see Carol with his best friend.  He threw his stuff into the back and hopped into the passenger seat.  “Ready to hit the road, partner?”  Johnny said with a smile and a bounce to his voice.

 

“You sure seem in a good mood this morning,” Roy commented as he put the car in gear and headed out.

 

“I’ll tell ya Roy, I had the best sleep last night.  I slept like a baby.  I fell asleep shortly after you left and didn’t wake up until you called.”  Johnny stated.

 

Roy smiled and shook his head.

 

“What?” Johnny asked with a puzzled look.

 

“Nothin,”  Roy said.  “It’s just that after having Chris and Jenny I can’t help but laugh at the expression ‘slept like a baby’.  Believe me if you knew how often babies woke up during the night you would think it funny too.  Oh, buy the way, if your hungry Joanne bought some donuts and there is coffee in the thermos.”

 

“Wow! Joanne’s the best.”  Johnny said as he reached behind the driver’s seat and grabbed the bag of donuts and the thermos. Digging into the bag he pulled out at thick round one with white icing on the top.  “Jelly-filled, my favorite.”  Johnny said as he took a big bite out of it.  “Hey, you want one?”

 

“Did she get a Bear Claw?”  Roy asked.

 

Johnny sat his donut on his knee and looked in the bag again, “Here you go.”  He said and handed the pastry over to Roy.  As Roy and Johnny ate their donuts and shared the coffee, Roy expertly guided the Land Rover out of the Los Angeles area and onto I-15 headed toward Las Vegas.  Conversation ran from the weather, to work, to Joanne and the kids. 

 

“You know, Jenny said the cutest thing this morning as I was kissing her good bye.  When I turned to leave, she said ‘Take care of Uncle Johnny’.  Joanne said that she’s been referring to you as Uncle for a while now.  I think if Jenny had her way she’d adopt you.”  Roy said as he glanced sideways at Johnny.

 

Johnny mouth went up in his crooked grin.  “Uncle, huh?  I kind of like that.  ‘Uncle Johnny’.  I just hope she doesn’t think I’m going to change my name or something.”

 

“So, you don’t have any other nieces of nephews?”  Roy ventured forth. 

 

“I don’t think so.  I haven’t been in touch with anyone back on the rez since I left 7 years ago.  I have two younger half sisters, Amy and Anna.  I guess Amy could have kids by now, she’d be turning 18.  Anna is mentally handicapped and had the IQ of a 3 year old.  I doubt she would have had any kids.”  Johnny replied.

 

“You said they were your half sisters, are your mom and dad divorced?”  Roy pressed.

 

“No, my dad died when I was almost 2 years old.  My mom use to tell me about him and how much they were in love.  My mom, Jessica Longfeather was a full blood Native American born on the reservation.  Like many of the girls on the reservation, my mom worked after school cleaning houses for the white folks in the nearby town.  She would always clean the Gage’s house on Saturdays because their son Roderick would come home from college on the weekends.  After she finished she would sit and talk with Rick and he would tell her of all that he was learning and of the world outside the reservation.  One thing led to another and they fell in love.  The year my mom graduated high school they ran off to Idaho and got married.  His family all but disowned him.  Her family was hurt but some what supportive.  For the first two years of their marriage, mom worked while my dad finished his degree as a Structural Engineer.  She used to say that they didn’t have much, but they sure had a lot of love.  When he graduated, he got a job with a firm and 9 months later I arrived on the scene.”

 

When the Singer sang your song of birth,

I cried for Joy, for now behold our life.

 

 

‘My mom said that was the happiest moment in my dad’s life.  She would tell me stories about how he would take me everywhere.  She said that she made one of those papoose things that you put babies in and they would spend all weekend hiking and camping.  She said that even as a little baby I had my dad’s smile.  She called it the ‘Gage charm’.”  Johnny face lit up with his crooked smile. 

 

“Then, when I was about 22 months old, an earthquake hit while he was at a construction site and he was buried under a stack of steel beams.  My dad’s parents blamed her for his death and told her that they never wanted to hear from her again.  With a young child and no support, my mom returned to the reservation.   Her parents reluctantly took her back in and then arranged for her to marry my step dad Charles Strongbow.”  A frown formed on Johnny’s face and he stopped talking.  After a few moments of silence Johnny looked down at his watch, “You know, it’s getting around lunch time and I could really go for something to eat.  Why don’t we find a place to stop?”

 

“Sure, sounds good,” Roy replied, knowing that there would be no further discussion about Johnny’s family for the time being. 

 

They had passed Las Vegas a couple hours back and were just inside of Utah.  Roy pulled into a rest stop and dug around in the back to find the cooler.  Dragging it out, he carried it over to a pick nick table.  Johnny helped him to pull out sandwiches, chips, apples, and drinks.  Joanne had thought of everything, even a plate of homemade cookies.  Johnny was quiet during the meal and Roy respected his silence.  Roy spent the time scanning the truck stop.  It was a force of habit that came from years of working as a rescueman and a paramedic.  Roy knew that Johnny would be doing the same thing if he hadn’t been so preoccupied.  It wasn’t so much that they would look for trouble, it was more of being aware of the area and the possibilities.  Roy watched the various truckers pulling in to take a break.  There were half dozen trucks in the parking lot, and four of the drivers were standing around talking near the information building.  When the meal was finished, Roy cleaned things up while Johnny excused himself to go to the restroom.

 

Roy took the cooler back to the car and then headed to the restroom himself.  He noticed that the truckers were no where in sight.  As he walked to the bathroom door he heard voices inside.

 

“Hey little Indian boy, nice arrowhead necklace you got there.  I’ve always wanted one of them things.  How about we have a pow wow and trade?  Jake there has some ‘firewater’ in his flask and Bob has some smokes.”  A nasally voice said.  Roy heard what sounded like a metal flask and a pack of cigarettes being sat on the metal ledge of one of the mirrors.  Then the nasally voice spoke again, “Don’t go turning your back to me.  Zeke, I think this Indian boy needs a lesson in manners.”

 

Roy heard some scuffling sounds and a grunt like air being forced out of someone’s lungs.  The sound he heard next made his heart jump into his throat, the ‘snick’ of a switchblade opening.  Roy stepped through the door way and turned the corner.  What he saw made his stomach flip.  At the far end of the restroom the four truckers he had seen outside were surrounding Johnny, the biggest of which had Johnny pinned against the wall with one thick arm across his neck.  A deadly looking switch blade was poised at Johnny’s left shoulder. 

 

Roy cleared his throat, “Excuse me, can I be of some assistance here?”

 

“Not unless y’all kin translate ta Indian boy here that unless he gives Carl that thar necklace, then he’s gonna have a few more holes in ‘im.”  The big guy that Roy guessed was named Zeke said as he pushed Johnny further into the wall.  Roy saw Johnny wince slightly and clench his fists.  If he didn’t think fast and think smart, they would both be in a world of trouble.  He really didn’t want to see anymore of Johnny’s blood.  Blood!  That was the answer.

 

“Well actually Zeke, it is Zeke isn’t it?”  The big man nodded, a little taken off guard by the fact that Roy used his name, which was what Roy wanted.  “If I were you, I wouldn’t want to be the one to stick any holes in my friend.  You see my friend here has Hepatitis.  So if his blood gets on you, you would probably get infected too.”  This had the desired results Roy had wanted.  Zeke pulled his knife back from Johnny’s shoulder.  Now to make them all want to get as far away from Johnny as they could.  He decided to embellish the symptoms.  “You see, if you get infected with Hepatitis, first you get all achy like you have the flu, but this ‘flu’ lasts for 3 months.  Then when you get over that, you lose your appetite and can’t eat.  Don’t take my word for it, just look at how skinny he is.  He used to be over 250 pounds.”  All four guys now took two steps back and stared at Johnny warily.  Roy smiled ever so slightly, now for the finale.  “That’s not the worst part though.  The worst part comes when the disease attacks your manhood and leaves you impotent, you know, ‘with out the ability to perform’.”  Roy knew this last part was an out right lie, but it had the desired effects.  The men now were back pedaling out of the bathroom and looking at Johnny as if he had leprosy.  Roy heard Zeke complaining, “Aw man, I didn’t get any blood on me did I?”

 

Roy took a deep breath and leaned forward with his hands on his thighs like a winded runner.  He looked over to where Johnny had slid down the wall and was sitting in a crouch with his eyes closed and his head against the wall.  “You okay?”  Roy asked, hoping his voice would stay steady,

 

“Yeah man, just give me a minute.”  Johnny replied in a soft, shaky, strained voice.  After a minute, Johnny took a deep breath and let it out.  One corner of his mouth quirked up, “Man, how did you come up with that Hepatitis idea?  Especially the stuff about ‘your manhood’.  I thought for sure I was going to bust out laughing when I saw their faces.”

 

“Well, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to physically take them on, so I figured I needed to hit them where it would hurt the most.”  Roy looked at Johnny, who had not moved, “You sure you’re okay?”  He said as he walked over and crouched down in front of Johnny.

 

“Actually, if you could give me a hand up.”  Johnny said, not entirely trusting his legs.  Roy grabbed a hold of Johnny’s extended left arm just above the elbow with his left arm and gently eased him into a standing position.  He noticed Johnny clinch his jaw with the movement.  “Thanks, I think they banged up my shoulder a little when the big guy pinned me against the wall.”  Johnny said between clinched teeth. 

 

“You want me to go get the pain meds Brackett prescribed?”  Roy asked.

 

“No man, you finish up in here.  I’ll head back to the car after I splash some water on my face.”  Johnny said as he turned the water on.

 

Roy turned and went into one of the stalls.  Johnny looked at himself in the mirror and ran a shaky hand through his hair.  He couldn’t stop his hand from shaking.  If Roy hadn’t walked in when he did he could have been stabbed and god knows how close the nearest hospital was.  His eyes wandered to the flask and the cigarettes.  It had been almost 9 years since Jack had helped him break his addiction.  He had started when he was 7 years old and by the time he was 11 he was addicted.  When Jack took him under his wing and encouraged him to try out for the school’s track team he helped Johnny to realize what smoking was doing to his lungs and how it hindered his running.  Johnny could count the number of times he had smoked since then on one hand.  With a shaking hand Johnny reached forward, turned off the water, grabbed the pack of cigarettes, and walked back toward the Rover.

 

Johnny sat in the front passenger seat of the Rover absently tapping the pack of cigarettes on his thigh.  He closed his eyes and concentrated on slowing down his breathing and his heart rate.  It was something he had learned long ago from an old Indian man.  It had helped him a number of times in life, especially during dangerous situations at work.  It never stopped him from being afraid, but it helped to control the fear.  As he quieted his body, his awareness of his surroundings increased.  He heard the occasional passing of a car or truck on the freeway.  He heard the skree of a Hawk as it glided overhead.  He heard a gentle breeze blowing sand around the parking lot.  He heard the scrunching of Roy’s tennis shoes on the sidewalk leading from the bathroom.  Breaking out of his thoughts, Johnny quickly slid the pack of cigarettes under the seat as Roy opened the driver’s door.

 

“So did you take one?”  Roy asked, climbing into the driver’s seat.

 

“Huh?”  Johnny looked confused.  How did he know about the cigarettes?

 

“The pain meds Bracket prescribed, did you take one?”  Roy said as he looked at Johnny.

 

“Oh, that.  It was nothing.” Johnny said dismissingly. 

 

Roy shook his head, “Johnny, you were just thrown up against a wall by a guy that was half again your size.  I saw the pain on your face.  Don’t tell me it was nothing.”

 

“I don’t need the pills Roy; I can handle things with out them.”  Johnny was starting to get mad.  He wished Roy would just drop the whole thing.

 

Roy wasn’t about to let it drop though, “Your not superman, Johnny.”

 

“I didn’t say I was!” Johnny shouted.  “I just don’t want the damn pills, okay?!”

 

“Why?!”  Roy demanded

 

“Because!  I don’t want to end up like my mom!  Damn it!”  Johnny pounded his fist on the dash.  The glove compartment popped open.  Johnny stared at it for a moment, reached in and grabbed the lighter.  He reached under the front seat, grabbed the pack of cigarettes, and walked to the far end of the rest stop.  Leaning against a huge boulder, he tapped out a cigarette.  Putting it between his lips, he clicked the lighter open and leaned down to the flame.  He took a deep drag from the cigarette, closed the lighter, and blew the smoke out.  Coughing slightly he took two more drags from the cigarette, leaned his head back, closed his eyes and blew the smoke up into the air.  Seeing Roy walking slowly toward him he took another long drag, blew out the smoke, looked at the cigarette, dropped it and ground it out.

 

Roy leaned against the rock next to him.  “I didn’t know you smoked.”

 

“I don’t.”  Johnny said as he reached into the sling, pulled out the pack, and handed it to Roy.  “At least I haven’t in the past 9 years.  When I joined track in 7^th grade Jack told me if I wanted to run I had to quit smoking.”

 

“Geez,” was all Roy could say as he looked at the pack in his hands, “If you stopped when you were in 7^th grade, when did you start?”

 

“Just before first grade,”  Johnny said, intently studding the ground beneath his shoes.  “On the rez, to deal with things, you turned to one of three things; drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes.  My mom turned to pain killers after her fourth pregnancy ended in a still birth.  Three years later, when I was thirteen, I came home from school one day and found her unresponsive on the floor of the bathroom.  She had taken more than a half a bottle of pain killers.  The cops didn’t even attempt to revive her.  She died before the ambulance arrived.  Her breathing just got slower and slower, until it stopped.”  Johnny looked up at Roy, the pain of the memories evident on his face, “Now do you understand why I don’t want those pills?”

 

Roy nodded, not trusting his voice.  They stood there for a few moments not saying anything.  Finally Roy broke the silence, “We better get back on the road before it gets too late.”  The two walked slowly back to the car and got in.  Roy guided the car back onto the interstate.  Johnny leaned his head back and fell into a quiet sleep.  High above a Hawk took to flight from a small stand of trees near the rest stop and headed north.

 

 

Song of Life

 

Chapter 3

 

Reader warning:  This chapter actually has a child abuse scene and some strong language.

 

 

Roy and Johnny had made it to Salt Lake just about dinner time.  Since Johnny’s arm was still bothering him some they checked into the hotel and Roy went out to grab some pizza.  After Roy called Joanne, they spent the evening watching an old movie on the TV during which Roy fell asleep.  Johnny fell asleep easily enough, but the night was restless and plagued with memories he thought were long ago buried.  Memories of hunger, memories of loneliness, memories of fear, memories of pain.  Pain from bruises, pain from burns, pain from broken bones, pain from days with out food.  Almost ten years of pain he had endured at the hands of his step-father, from his 4^th birthday to the spring before his 14^th birthday.  Ten years of believing that his sole purpose on this planet was to be an object for his step father to release his rage on.  And rage he had.  But while Johnny’s mother was alive it was ‘restrained’ rage; if you can call being beaten with a belt two to three times a week ‘restrained’; if you can call going to the clinic a least once a month to get stitched up or broken bones set because you were pushed down the steps to the cellar ‘restrained’. 

 

Johnny turned his head and looked out from under his arm that he had draped across his eyes to where the clock sat on the table between the two beds.  5:45am, no use in trying to go back to sleep now Johnny thought as he slowly sat up on the edge of the bed.  Looking over to Roy who was asleep on the other bed, Johnny quietly got to his feet and headed to the bathroom to grab a quick shower.  Closing the door behind him, he used the facilities and then stepped into the shower and turned on the water, relishing the warm spray as it flowed over his sore muscles.  Warm showers were a luxury that he quickly learned to love when the Kemps took him in.  Growing up, warm water was for adults only.  Johnny had learned that lesson early on when he was just 5 years old.  On one particularly cold January night he had asked Strongbow if he could turn on the warm water for his bath.  Strongbow had ranted about how if he wanted a hot bath he was going to get one.  He then ordered Johnny into the tub and turned the hot water on full force.  Johnny took the fastest shower he had ever taken as the scalding water rained down on him.  By the time he was done he had 1^st degree burns over most of his body and some 2^nd degree burns on his back.  A knock on the door brought him back to the present as Roy poked his head in, “Hey Johnny, you going to be much longer?”

 

“Almost finished, don’t worry, this isn’t the station house and I’m not Chet Kelly, there will be enough hot water left.”  Johnny said as he rinsed the shampoo from his head.  Turning off the water, he grabbed a towel, wrapped it around his waist, and walked over to stand in front of the steamy mirror.  Staring at the image before him he saw his new injuries standing out bright and red and purplish.  Under them lay the older scars, turned silvery white with age.  More scars than a 24 year old body should have, no make that a 20 year old body.  It was hard sometimes to remember that he was really 4 years younger than what his driver’s license said.  With the help of Jack and Carol, and Carol’s brother Nick, he was able to falsify his age in order to be a legal adult of 18 years when he moved to L.A.  Nobody knew he had changed his age accept Carol, Jack, and Nick.  Jack is deceased and Nick uses enough recreational drugs that it would be doubtful if he even remembered.  As Johnny turned to leave the bathroom, the reflection of a painfully skinny boy of about 11 years with short dark unruly hair turned in the mirror to leave too. 

 

“How’s the shoulder?”  Roy asked as Johnny came out of the bathroom.

 

Johnny shrugged his left shoulder and then moved his right arm a little.  Wincing and drawing in a quick breath, Johnny closed his eyes and took a couple slow breaths before answering, “A little stiff, not to bad though.”

 

Yeah, right and your pulse rate didn’t just shoot up when you winced either, Roy said to himself.  To Johnny he simply said, “Don’t push it too fast, there’s no rush.  Do you need any help getting dressed before I grab a quick shower?”

 

Johnny, who had just pulled out a pair of Jeans and a button up long sleeve shirt turned his head and gave Roy a slightly perturbed look, “Roy, I’m a grown man, I think I can dress myself.”

 

“Oh yeah, that’s right, you’re use to doing things one handed.  Well don’t hesitate to ask if you do need any help.”  Roy said and headed into the bathroom.

 

Johnny sat on the edge of the bed and started to dress.  The underwear and the socks were of course the easiest, they just pulled on.  The jeans were not that hard.  It would have been easier if it was his left arm hurt instead of his right since the zipper pulled up on the right side, but he wasn’t about to have Roy zip his pants for him.  So with a little finagling he was able to zip them and snap them.  Thankfully they were not button ups.  Buttons, damn, Johnny thought as he looked down at his shirt.  Buttons.  He didn’t have much practice with buttons.  As a kid he either went around without a shirt, with a t-shirt, or a sweat shirt.  No buttons.  Well it couldn’t be that hard, after all he had learned how to do a lot of other things one handed.  As Johnny slowly slid the shirt onto his right arm, images flashed through his mind of a 4 year old with a cast on his arm learning to get dressed one handed.  Pulling the shirt across his back and sliding his left arm in, images flashed through his mind of a 7 year old with yet another cast on his arm learning to wash dishes one handed.  Working slowly and deliberately he started buttoning up his shirt.  Images of a 10 year old with his left hand wrapped in gauze learning to cook dinner one handed lingered in his mind.

 

Roy had finished showering and shaving and had stopped in the bathroom doorway, silently watching his partner struggle with the buttons of his shirt.  When Johnny was almost done Roy broke the silence, “I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a hot breakfast.”  Roy walked passed Johnny who was still working diligently on the buttons.  Not getting any answer, Roy asked a little louder, as he tossed his shaving kit on the table.  “Johnny, how about a hot breakfast this morning?”

The shaving kit landed with a loud thwack.  Johnny looked up, startled, and with a racing heart threw his back up against the wall.  His eyes searching desperately for escape as his mind transported him back to a small kitchen in a run down house.

 

When the Singer sang your song of childhood,

I cried of Rage, for all you had felt was the pain of life.

 

Thwack!!  The large fist slammed against the door frame leading into the kitchen causing 10 year old Johnny Gage to throw his back into the furthest corner of the small room.

 

“Damn it boy, where in the hell is dinner?  When I get home from work I expect to have a hot meal waiting from me,” Charles Strongbow shouted as he stood towering over the little boy.

 

“I..I..I’m sorry, I c..can make some sandwiches,” Johnny replied hoping to avoid any further confrontation.  His step father wasn’t going to be so accommodating Johnny realized as the man’s big fist closed over his arm and dragged him toward the stove.

 

“Sandwiches!  Sandwiches! If I wanted some stinkin sandwich then I would have said so.  I said I wanted a hot dinner. Understand Hot!”  he yelled turning the gas stove on high and shoving the boy’s hand over top of the flame.

 

“NO! Strongbow, please don’t.” cried Johnny as he tried to wiggle loose from the strong grip.  He could see the flesh on the palm of his hand turn red and start to form little blisters.  The big man’s grip loosened as he backhanded the young boy across the face sending him crashing to the floor.  Tears sprang unbidden to his eyes.

 

“You better not be crying boy or I’ll really give you something to cry about.  You ain’t ever going to grow up to be a man if you can’t handle a little pain every now and then,” his step father thundered looking down at the small boy with disgust in his eyes.

“Stand up boy when someone is talking to you.”

 

Cradling his injured hand to his chest, Johnny slowly got to his feet and stood in front of the big man, eyes cast to the floor.  Johnny was taught at an early age that you don’t look your superiors in the eyes.

 

“Maybe I should just take you down to the cellar and teach you a proper lesson,” the big man sneered looking down at the child whose long unruly dark hair had come loose of its braid and now fell across his face.

 

Johnny’s knees almost buckled at the mention of the cellar.  If Charles took him down there, by the time he was through with him, he would definitely need to go to the clinic.  The last time he was taken down there, Charles broke his leg so he couldn’t run and then proceeded to lay open his back side with his wide leather belt. 

 

Just then a small young girl with long raven hair timidly called out from the doorway, “Daddy, Anna and I are really hungry, could you take us down to the Diner to get something to eat?”

 

Johnny glanced out of the corner of his eye at his 7 year old half sister Amy.  She flashed him a quick smile then bit her lower lip and lowered her eyes hoping that she had defused the situation and not redirected her father’s anger toward her.

 

Charles Strongbow looked from Johnny to the little girl and back again, his hands clenching and unclenching.  Turning back to his daughter he took a deep breath,

 “Fine, get your sister ready and meet me out in the car,” he simply stated.  He then turned back to Johnny and in a voice filled with malice added, “And you, since you obviously weren’t hungry enough to remember about dinner, you can go to bed with out any.”

 

“Yes sir,” Johnny quietly replied as his stomach reminded him that he had only eaten an apple since the previous night since his step father had decided to make him do his chores twice this morning causing him to miss breakfast and the chance to pack a lunch for school. 

 

“And don’t wake your mother boy.  The doctor said she needs lots of rest if the baby she’s caring is going to be born healthy.”  His step father added as he shut the front door behind him. 

 

Alone in the quiet house except for his sleeping mother, Johnny walked down the hall to the bathroom and turned on the light.  He pushed his long hair out of his eyes with his right hand and noted the growing bruise on his cheek.  He gently touched his cheek, just a bruise, no broken skin, no need for stitches.  Now for the more pressing problem Johnny thought to himself as he looked down to his left hand which was now bright red and puffy with blisters.  Seeing that none of the blisters had broken open he turned on the water and slowly stuck his hand under the cool tap.  As the shock of the cool water hit his system the world around him started to grey out and his knees began to buckle.  Shaking his head and drawing in a long slow breath he willed himself not to pass out.  Withdrawing his hand from the water he slowly sat down on the lid of the toilet and looked closely at the blisters.  He knew that he should probably walk down to the clinic to have a doctor look at it, but he figured as long as he kept the area clean and didn’t get an infection he could take care of it himself.  Doctors and hospitals and clinics were all a waste of time.

 

Wrapping a clean cloth around his hand, Johnny slowly made his way back down the hall to his room.  He stopped at the door to his mother’s room and peeked in.  She was laying on her right side like the doctors had told her, her hand resting on her very pregnant belly.  Creeping slowly into the room he reached over with his good hand and pulled the comforter up.  Leaning over he gently brushed a strand of hair off her fore head and kissed her cheek.  Quietly he left the room and walked down the hall to his room.  A single tear rolled down his cheek.

 

Roy sat crouched in front of Johnny.  He watched as a single tear made its way down Johnny’s face.  A face that looked way to young.  He wanted to reach out and reassure his friend, but when he had reached for Johnny’s left hand a few minutes earlier to check his pulse, Johnny had let out a wailing ‘No, Strongbow, please don’t’ and pulled his hand in tighter to his body.  So once again, using a voice he used when reassuring Chris or Jenny when they woke from a nightmare, he quietly spoke to Johnny.  “Johnny, its Roy, everything is okay.  I need you to come over and sit on the edge of the bed so I can check you over.  Come on Junior, you can trust me, everything is going to be okay.”  Roy watched as Johnny slowly let out a shallow shuddering breath and shook his head as if to clear a memory.

 

“Johnny?  You with me now?”  Roy asked as he put his hand on Johnny’s left wrist.

 

“Yeah.  Man, what happened?”  Johnny said as he took a few more slow breaths willing his pulse rate to slow down before Roy asked to check it. 

 

“I was hoping you could tell me.  I was talking with you about getting breakfast and I threw my shaving kit on the table over there and next thing I know your back is up against the wall and the look in your eyes are a million miles away,”  Roy replied, all the time taking Johnny’s pulse and counting his respirations.  Slightly elevated, but Johnny had done a good job at getting his system under control.

 

Johnny of course did not miss Roy’s once over and let him know, “If your done checking me out, do you think you could give me a hand up?”

 

As Roy slowly helped Johnny to his feet, he asked again, “So, are you going to let me in on what is going on?  When you where ‘out of it’, you yelled no and then mentioned Strongbow’s name.”

 

Johnny sat on the end of the bed and looked at his feet.  It was several moments before he spoke.  When he did, he didn’t look at Roy who had sat on the bed next to him.  “Life on the reservation was not very easy.  There was never enough money, or jobs, or help of any kind.  We were given the basics and expected to survive.  I’m sure that nothing has changed in the 6 or 7 years since I left.  It was a dirty rundown place then and I am sure it will be a dirty rundown place now.  I guess the closer I get, the more nervous I am about you seeing how I grew up.  It’s not that pretty.”

 

“Johnny, if I wanted a friend with a ‘pretty’ past then I would be hanging out with Brice.”  At that Johnny looked up with a slight smile on his face.  It had the effect Roy had hoped it would so he continued on, “I don’t know what your life was like growing up, I hope some day you will tell me.  But I want you to know that what ever you do decide to tell me will stay between us.  I wouldn’t say anything to the guys at the station, the staff at Rampart, or even Joanne unless you wanted me to.  I also want you to know that what ever you tell me will not change my being not only your partner, but also your friend.”  Roy paused to gather his resolve and continued on, “What does your stepfather have to do with all this?”

 

“Strongbow and I didn’t get along very well.  I guess he felt I needed a ‘firm hand’ when it came to my up bringing.  And believe me he had a very firm hand.”  Johnny sighed and looked down at his feet, “I guess I deserved it.  I was always screwing up.”

 

Roy took a breath and made sure he did not look away when he spoke.  “Johnny, I am sure that you may have been told growing up that you deserved the punishment you received because you did something wrong.  I would be lying to you if I said that my dad never bent me over his knee and spanked me.  But there is a difference between a spanking and a beating.  A child does not deserve to be used as a punching bag because an adult doesn’t know how to control themselves.  It is not the kid’s fault that they are being beat up, it is the fault of the adult for not controlling their anger and rage.”

 

After several minutes Johnny looked briefly up at Roy and then back down to his feet.  “Thanks, I’ll try and remember that.”  Johnny sat for a few more minutes looking around the room before continuing on, “Why don’t we finish cleaning up around here and then go get a hot breakfast before hitting the road?”

 

Roy stood up and offered Johnny his hand, “Sounds like a good idea partner.”

 

Johnny took the offered hand and stood up.  Walking over to the chair, he stepped into his old worn cowboy boots.  They slid on like a well laid hose slides out of the hose bed, smooth and easy.  Although they were nothing fancy, Johnny treasured them like they were worth a king’s ransom.  They had been Jacks boots.  Jack had given them to him the morning they were getting ready to put him on the bus to L.A.  He had walked into the small bedroom that had become Johnny’s and dropped them on the floor next to him.  “I reckon you’ll need a good sturdy pair of boots.  Tain’t nothin fancy, but they’ll keep your feet warm and dry.  I was gonna break them in this spring, but figured you could use them more n me.  They might be a little big for you now, but you’ll grow into them.”  Johnny remembered looking down at the new boots and then over at Jack, “Is that real Rattle Snake skin?”  Jack had nodded his head slightly, “Yep, I caught the rattlers last summer and gave em to Dave down at the boot store.  He put it all together for me.  Some day when you come back to visit I’ll show you how catch and kill rattlers.  It’s really not that hard, you just flip over a rock with a sturdy stick, if there’s a rattler hiding under there then you reach in real quick before it gets oriented from being under that cool dark rock and grab its tail.  As soon as you got a hold of that tail, then you swing it around your head a couple times real hard and fast so as the neck breaks and just in case the neck don’t break, then you fling it as far as you can.”  Despite the number of years, the boots were still in good shape.  It had taken Johnny a couple years to grow into them and since the weather was warmer in L.A., Johnny only wore them on special occasions.  He figured going back to see Carol and visit Jack’s grave was a special occasion.  Looking up he saw Roy had finished dressing and was gathering the last of the things to put into the bags.

 

“You need any help putting the sling back on?”  Roy asked pointing to the item on the bed.

 

Johnny had hoped to forget about the confining thing, “I was just going to leave it off for today.”

 

Roy stood there with his hands on his hips.  He knew that if he pushed Johnny then Johnny would push back just as strong.  He had to get Johnny to agree on his own that he still needed the sling.  An idea came to his mind, holding out the keys he said, “If your arm is feeling that much better that you don’t need the sling, then you drive.  But you have to come over here and take the keys from my hand, using your right hand.”

 

Johnny looked sullenly at Roy’s hand holding the keys.  He knew there was no way he would be able to reach out and take those keys without a lot of pain radiating though his damaged shoulder.  He also knew that he would never be able to shift the Rover.  Walking over to the bed he picked up the offending item, “Fine, I’ll put it on, but this is the last day.”

 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.,” Roy replied and headed to the door while Johnny finished putting on his sling.  They walked over to the small mom and pop restaurant and were shortly eating a large breakfast of scrambled eggs, hot cakes, sausage, and biscuits.   Over breakfast Roy asked Johnny if he planned to look up any of his family while they were up there.  Johnny had put a large forkful of hot cakes in his mouth and shrugged his shoulders.  Roy asked if there were any old friends he might want to look  up and Johnny replied that he didn’t have many friends on or off the reservation because noone’s parents wanted them to play with a half breed.  After one last round of coffee, Johnny went up to pay the bill while Roy loaded the Rover. Looking at the display behind the clerk, Johnny asked for a pack of cigarettes and a pack of gum, paid for them and shoved them into the sling.  Johnny walked out of the restaurant and around to the back, out of sight of the hotel and Roy.  Withdrawing the pack, he quickly opened it and tapped out a cigarette.  Bending down to light it, he took several long pulls, and leaned back against the wall.  From a group of trees on the far side of the parking lot a hawk took to flight letting out a skree.  Johnny watched as the hawk slowly circled and then landed on the corner of the building.  Johnny looked up into the eyes of the bird and could have sworn the bird was glaring back at him.  Looking down at the half finished cigarette, he dropped it to the ground and stubbed it out then popped a piece of gum into his mouth.  Walking around to the front he noticed Roy had finished loading the car and was just coming out of the office from returning the key.  Johnny climbed into the passenger seat and Roy climbed into the driver’s side. 

 

“So you ready?”  Roy asked as he started up the Rover.

 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”  Johnny replied.

 

Roy expertly maneuvered the Rover on to I – 15 heading north past the Great Salt Lake and toward Idaho.  Neither noticed the hawk take to flight and head north. 

 

Eastern Idaho between Utah and Montana was barren except for a few sprawling towns and cities.  As they neared the boarder to Montana however the mountains rose up to greet them.  They stopped in Butte to grab some lunch and then headed west on I -90 further up into the mountains.  Roy had grown quiet, awed by the majesty of the scenery.  Johnny had grown even quieter and although he was staring out the window Roy doubted he was admiring the scenery.  It wasn’t long before they turned off the Interstate and onto a smaller state highway.  Twisting and turning further up into the mountains Roy came to the out skirts of Ft. Compass, the small town that bordered the reservation where Johnny grew up.  Passing several large ranches and estates on the outskirts of the town, Roy followed the directions Johnny had given him.  Finally Roy pulled up to a small ranch house on the other side of town.  As Johnny slowly got out of the Rover, a small spry lady with long grey hair rushed out the front door.

 

“John Roderick Gage, is that you.  My god you‘ve grown.  Look at you, you’re not that scrawny little boy we put on that bus.  Well don’t just stand there, come give me a hug.”  The lady had a huge smile on her face and arms thrown open wide.

 

Johnny walked up to her and wrapped his left arm around her.  Her head rested on his good shoulder as she gently hugged him back.  Johnny laid his head on the top of hers as tears slowly made their way down his cheeks.  “I’m sorry Carol, I would have been here.  Nick never delivered the letter until a couple days ago.  I’m so sorry.”

 

“Sshh, sshh, sshh.  Its okay Johnny.  Jack knew you would have been here if you could,” Carol said, running a soothing hand in small circles on Johnny’s back.  “Come, let’s go inside and get some dinner and you can introduce me to your friend.”

 

Carol put her hand behind Roy’s back and guided him and Johnny toward the front door.

 

High up in the sky a hawk let off a long skree and headed for the near by mountains.

 

Author’s note:  The story about how to catch a rattle snake was told to me by my mother, who use to go out with friends when she was a young girl.  They would then sell the snakes for their skins.   I have never tried this and would not recommend it to anyone.

 

 

Song of Life

 

Chapter 4

 

 

Carol was a gracious hostess.  After being shown their rooms and freshening up, Roy and Johnny sat down to a large home cooked meal of hamburgers, home fries, and apple pie with ice cream.  Carol had said that those were Johnny’s favorites when he was staying with them and Roy informed her that they still were.  When dinner was done Roy called Joanne to let her know they had safely arrived, and then they retired to the living room.  They spent the evening talking about how Johnny and Roy met, their jobs, and Roy’s family.  Carol laughed at hearing that Jenny had ‘adopted’ Johnny as her ‘uncle’.  She had commented that Johnny had grown up taking care of his younger sisters so it was no wonder Jenny felt so comfortable with him.  As the hour grew late, Roy excused himself and went to bed.  Johnny and Carol continued their reunion. 

 

“It sounds like you have a really good life there in L.A. Johnny.  Roy seems like a wonderful partner and friend too.”  Carol said as she patted Johnny’s knee.

 

“Yeah, I just hope I can keep him from finding out too much.  Who would want to be friends with a good for nothing half breed piece of trash?” Johnny said with a sound of self pity.

 

Carol sat up straight and put her hands on her hips, “John Gage, Jack will be rolling over in his grave to hear you talkin like that.  That is Charles Strongbow takin and Charles is nothin but a cruel and evil man.  I won’t have you sayin things like that about yourself.  You are a wonderful, important person who is cared for and loved.  You hear me?”

 

Johnny bowed his head and folded his hands in his lap, “Yes mam.” He said quietly.  “But how do I know that Roy won’t turn away in disgust when he hears how I let Strongbow treat me all those years?”

 

“Johnny, you know you are not responsible for what Charles did to you.  You were a young child and he was a man two or three times your size.” Carol paused and put her hand on Johnny’s shoulder, “Roy seems like a good man.  I am sure he will see things the same way.”

 

Johnny stood up and walked over to the mantel above the fire place.  He stopped and stared at an old framed picture of a tall man with chiseled features; his arm draped around the shoulders of a skinny teenage boy.  The man wore a huge smile that stretched from ear to ear.  The boy, dressed in runner shorts and shirt, wore a first place medal around his neck and a shy crooked grin on his face.

 

“What would Jack tell me to do?”  Johnny asked.

 

Carol rose and walked over to stand next to Johnny.  She put her hand on the small of his back and looked up into his eyes, “He would tell you that you trust Roy with your life, you should also trust him with your past.  He must care about you a great deal to put his life on hold and drive all the way up here with you.”

 

“You think?”  Johnny asked with a slight side glance.

 

“I know.” Carol replied as she pulled him into a hug.  “Now get ta bed.  If I know you, you’re planning to go hiking up to the lake tomorrow to say goodbye to Jack.  You’ll be needin your rest.”

 

“Thanks Carol, see you in the morning.”  Johnny handed her the picture, returned the hug then turned to go to bed.

 

Carol paused and looked at the picture.  “Be with him tomorrow Jack.  He still needs your guidance.”  Slowly she put the picture back on the self and turned off the light.  Outside a hawk let out a skree and took to flight from a nearby tree.

 

With no tones, no alarm clock, no wife, and no kids to disturb his sleep, Roy enjoyed a rare chance to just sleep in until he was good and ready to get up.  He was sure Johnny, never one to sit idle to long, was already up.  Stretching, he marveled at the quietness of the house.  Slowly he got up, used the restroom, got dressed, and made his way to the kitchen.  Carol was struggling to open the back door with a big basket of garden fresh vegetables in her arms.

 

“Here let me get that for you,” Roy said as he opened the door and took the basket from her. 

 

“Thanks, just put em on the counter over there and I’ll wash em up later.”  Carol said, pointing to the counter by the sink.

 

Roy admired the array of fresh vegetables in the basket, “You must have a really nice garden.”

 

“It provides what I need, and what I don’t use right away or can for later, I give to the school on the reservation.  For a lot of those kids the only decent meal they get is lunch at school, so there is a group of us that plant a little extra each year.”  Carol said as she started pulling our various pans and plates.  “Now, how about some eggs and sausage and toast for breakfast?”

 

“Sounds great, what can I do to help?”  Roy offered.

 

“Well, how about frying up that sausage while I get the eggs a goin.”  Carol handed Roy the skillet and sausage.  “How you want your eggs cooked?”

 

Roy lit the gas stove and placed the sausage in the pan, “Scrambled will be fine.”

 

Soon Roy was sitting down to a plateful of food.  Carol had said that she had eaten earlier with Johnny.  “So where is Johnny?” Roy asked when he had finished his meal.

 

“I reckon he’s up by the lake.  He use to go there every chance he got to escape.  When he came to live with us he and Jack would spend hours up there fishin and talkin.  That’s where I buried Jack.”  Carol said as she walked to the window and looked out to the mountains.

 

Roy stood there and debated his next words, “Carol, did Johnny’s step-father abuse him?”

 

Carol looked down and her hands clasped in front of her and then back out the window, “That’s somethin your goina have to ask Johnny.  It’s his story to tell.  I will tell you this, Johnny’s worked hard to get where he is today.  When we took him in 7 years ago I didn’t think he’d make it to his 14^th birthday.”

 

Roy paused and thought about what Carol had just told him.  If Johnny was only 13 when Carol and Jack took him in 7 years ago…. then that would mean he was only 20 years old and not 24 like his drivers license said.  Roy decided not to ask Carol about the information she had let slip.  Instead he asked if she could point him in the direction of the lake.

 

A short while later with a backpack packed with fresh baked bread and apples, and a thermos of water Roy headed into the tall evergreens and along the path Carol had described.

 

After about a 45 minute hike, Roy stood at the top of the trail and took a long slow breath.  Even though the trail was not that difficult, the higher altitude definitely left him feeling winded. It was shortly after noon, and the sun was high over head.  Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he looked down to the clear blue lake below.  Mountains jutted up from all sides making him feel as if the rest of the world no longer existed.  A sole figure sat at the edge of the lake staring out across the calm waters.  Carefully Roy made his way down the path and across the short expanse of grass to the edge of the water.  Silently he sat down next to Johnny and stared out across the lake.  The leaves of the trees whispered in the breeze, the blowing wind causing gentle waves to lap at the rocky shore. 

 

“I brought a snack if you’re hungry.”  Roy said as he sat the pack in front of him.

 

Quietly the two sat and shared the food.  One lending quiet strength and support, the other quietly accepting it.  From behind them, high up on the ledge of the mountain, the steely eyes of a red tailed hawk studied them. The hawk nodded its head once, spread its wings and took to flight.  Lazily it circled the two silent figures by the lake, then letting forth with one long skree it flew off over the mountain.

 

Johnny’s eyes followed the path of the magnificent bird.  The corner of his mouth turned up into his characteristic crooked grin and he wiped a tear from his cheek with the back of his hand.  “Jack’s spirit approves of you.”

 

Roy watched the hawk disappear in the distance.  He didn’t know much about Native American Ideology and Religion, but he had heard that it was often believed that a person’s spirit could take the shape of an animal.  “The hawk was Jack’s spirit?” Roy asked looking over at Johnny.

 

“I came out here to finally grieve for the loss of Jack in my life.  I stood here at the edge of the water and cried with all my heart, grieving for all the future things that I would not be able to share with him and asking the spirits why he had to die.  When I finally quieted down, I heard the skree, and then from out of nowhere this hawk appears and begins to circle over me.  It settled on the ledge back there and for the first time in the past couple weeks I finally felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and that I was safe.  I knew the hawk was Jack, and he was watching out for me.”  Johnny explained.

 

“So, what does it mean now that the hawk has flown away?”  Roy asked, trying to better understand. 

 

“Jack’s spirit left, because he knows that you will look out for me and be there for me.  He knows that I can trust you.”  Johnny replied, finally looking Roy fully in the eyes.

 

“And do you know that you can trust me?”  Roy asked, looking Johnny fully back in the eyes.

 

Johnny let out a slow breath and looked out across the lake.  “Yeah, I do.”

 

“Enough to tell me about a boy named Johnny and his step father?” Roy tentatively asked.

 

Johnny looked down at his hands and in a quiet voice told his story.  And Roy quietly listened. 

 

“You already know that my mom was Native American and my dad was not and that my mom moved away from the reservation and married my dad.  I had also told you how when I was almost 2 years old my dad died and my mom had to move back to the reservation.  It’s the rest of the story from there that I haven’t ever told anyone.  When my mom got back to the reservation with a half breed kid in tow, she had a real hard time fitting in.  Her folks thought it would be better for her if she married Charles Strongbow, the son of one of the tribal elders.  Strongbow had a real violent temper and none of the other girls would have anything to do with him.  I guess his parents were just as anxious to have him married off as mom’s folks were to find someone to take care of her and me.  Things were okay for the first year then mom got pregnant with my sister Amy.  Health care on the rez wasn’t very good and she had a difficult pregnancy.  I remember I kept talking about my up coming 4^th birthday and the party I was going to have.  The day before my birthday, my mom went into premature labor and had to be admitted to the hospital.  I was scared for my mom, but I was also upset because she wouldn’t be able to bake a cake for my birthday.  So on my birthday I decided I would bake my own cake.  I guess I made a really big mess in the kitchen and when Strongbow came home that evening he got really mad.  I don’t remember all of what happened, but I remember him telling me that I was a good for nothing half breed and that my birthday should not be a day of celebration, it should be a day to curse.  I guess I started to cry because he started to yell even louder that I was never going to grow up to be a real man if I cried.  That’s when he took his big hand and knocked me across the room.  I remember him kicking me a couple times and then the next thing I knew I’m at the local clinic and he is telling them that I tripped and fell.  I went home that night with a broken arm, three stitches on my cheek, and more bruises than I could count.  I quickly learned that if I stayed quiet and didn’t cause any trouble then Strongbow would just ignore me.  Unfortunately being ignored also meant learning to fend for myself.  If I wanted something to eat then I had to get it myself and if I didn’t want to be punished then I had to make sure I didn’t leave a mess.  When I did, then I was locked in my room until someone came to let me out.  Most of the time it was just overnight, every once in a while it would be a couple days.”

 

“Did any one feed you during those times?”  Roy asked quietly, looking side ways at Johnny.  This might explain why Johnny ate like it was going to be his last meal.

 

“When mom wasn’t busy with the babies, then every once in a while she would sneak a sandwich or a piece of fruit to me.  But she really didn’t want to anger Strongbow, and more often then not would abide by his wishes.  He was not above hitting her or Amy or Anna.  I tried to protect them as much as I could.”  Johnny said looking out over the lake.

 

Roy fumed inside.  Johnny had been just a kid.  It shouldn’t have been his job to protect his mom and sisters by putting himself in danger instead.  Roy wanted to shout and scream.  He wanted the world to know how mad he was that someone he cared for had been treated so badly.  But that was the very last thing that Johnny needed right now.  So Roy drew in a quiet breath and focusing on Johnny’s story he inquired, “You mentioned Amy was born after your 4^th birthday, when was Anna born?”